Reversing the Curse of People Pleasing

Reversing the Curse of People Pleasing –

Taking Your Safety Back

We’ve done it all our lives—but does that mean it’s right?

I hear people say,

when they say it.

“I don’t do that. I know how to say no.

” But often, guilt still shows up even

Here’s the truth: People-pleasing isn’t just about saying “no.

” It’s about shifting your mindset

daily.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a behavior pattern where a person consistently puts the needs, wants,

and approval of others ahead of their own—often at the expense of their well-being,

boundaries, or values.

The keyword here is pattern. It’s something done over and over.

And many of us were trained in this pattern early in life.

How We Learned People-Pleasing

Most parents didn’t mean to teach us this. They were simply teaching us how to survive—not

how to live.

Church upbringing: “Mind your manners, respect your elders, no matter what.

Translation? If someone older mistreats you, stay silent.

School discipline: “Don’t get in trouble—or else.

” Translation? Stay compliant, even if

your boundaries are crossed.

Cultural survival: Young Black men, especially, are often told,

white authority figures so you don’t end up in jail or worse.

“Comply with officers orThese lessons kept us safe. But they also trained us to mute our voices, silence our boundaries,

and put others’ comfort above our safety.

Even sayings like “Children should be seen and not heard” conditioned us to believe we don’t

get to speak up until adulthood. But by then, the habit of silence is deeply rooted.

The Hidden Cost of Silence

Being muted feeds into people-pleasing.

Why? Because if you don’t speak up, others never know your boundaries. And if they don’t

know them, they’ll keep pushing them.

The result? You keep bending until eventually—you break.

A Personal Example

When I first had my son, everyone had advice about his acid reflux.

My mom said one thing.

Church elders said another.

The daycare provider offered her a remedy.

As a first-time mom, I was overwhelmed and just wanted my baby to be better.

One day, an elder at church tried to give my son medicine I had never approved. Without

thinking, I smacked the spoon right out of her hand.

She was shocked. But in that moment, I realized something: I had been letting my love and

respect for people override my boundaries.

That day, everything shifted.

Breaking the Cycle of People-PleasingSo, how do you start reversing this curse?

Here are some steps:

1. Identify Your Boundaries

Write down five strong boundaries you have. Then, look back at the past few months. Where did

people cross them?

2. Ask Yourself Why

Did you excuse it because of who they were? (“Well, it’s them, so it’s okay.

”) That’s still

3. Recognize Who Pushes

Take note of who consistently disrespects your boundaries—family, friends, leaders, coworkers.

4. Create a Plan

Decide how you’ll reestablish each boundary. Make it clear: your “No” means “Don’t try it.

5. Get Support

Work with a coach or therapist to uncover the root of your people-pleasing. It could be fear,

trauma, shame, or guilt.

6. Prepare to Lose People

Not everyone will like the new you—especially the ones who benefited from your compliance.

Sometimes you’ll even need to change environments to feel safe enough to stand firm.

7. Give Yourself Grace

You didn’t learn people-pleasing in a day. You won’t unlearn it in a day, either. You’ll slip—but

don’t stay down. Get back up.

Final Word

You deserve to live fully. You deserve to feel safe in every space you enter.

The best way to do that? Know your boundaries. Stand firm in them.Remember: You were not put on this earth to please people—you were put here to fulfill

your purpose.

So be the best you. Be safe. And if you need a reminder, say it with me:

“I am a recovering people pleaser—and I am proud of it.

And you should be proud too.